I don't have a degree in psychology & I'm sure as hell no Dr Phill, but I believe that I learnt from the best teacher; experience.
Everything I write today reveals small bits & pieces of my past relationships.
And hopefully none of you repeat the mistakes I've made.
(Or if you have, at least this will help you recover from it.)
Long story short, I had a lot of dysfunctional relationships. Too many to count.
But all of them never lasted more than 6 months
Till I met my last boyfriend, let's call him Mr X. (Get it? Mr Ex. Badum-tss)
Anyways, he seemed like the perfect guy for me.
He never asked me to change who I was.
Remembered to tell me he loved me almost daily.
Above all, he was kind.
I loved him enough to not only reject all other romantic advances, I was ready to marry him.
In the 5 years we were together, I can confidently say that I never wished that he was someone else.
I was even ready to move across the country to be with him & I knew with every fiber in my being that I will stand by him through anything (bankruptcy, illness, any sort of addiction, etc.)- except one thing.
Infidelity.
Which brings me to sign No1:
#1 He/She Commits A Deal-Breaker
Before seriously going into a relationship, PLEASE determine what your deal-breaker is.
This will save a lot of heartache.
A deal-breaker is a list of things that you WILL NOT TOLERATE.
And I don't mean 'he-leaves-the-toilet-seat-up' issues. I mean serious things.
Here's a list of my deal-breakers:
1. He cheats on me
2. He abuses me
3. He disrespects my parents/brother
4. He steals money from me
Anything else, I am willing to work out with him. So you should have your list too.
And it's always better for you to share your list with your other half.
If he/she does it anyways, then YOU have to hit the brakes, turn off the engine and toss the keys into the Pacific Ocean.
Don't look back.
#2 There's Nobody Fighting To Save The Relationship
Now, let me say this loud and clear, some wars are not yours to fight alone.
If the ball is in his court, let him decide what to do with it.
If your other half commits a deal-breaker, you fight by verifying whether they did do it or not.
Once you have evidence.. it's their move.
There's 3 ways a person could react when faced with accusations:
1. They prove their innocence
They do this by producing evidence themselves.
If they start saying shit like "Who are you gonna believe, me or *insert name of friend/sibling/family*" then sirens should go off in your head. Trust is earned not served on a silver platter.
In my case, I was hoping that he would prove to me that 'she was just a friend'. I wished that he would order me into his car, drive to the "friend's" place and lay everything out. If they were really just friends, that wouldn't me a problem.
So just like in CSI, you accuse and prove yourself innocent with cold hard evidence.
If you're truly innocent, it's not that hard.
2. They admit they were wrong
Everyone makes mistakes.
If they have the balls to tell you the truth, then that's their move.
What you do with the truth, is up to you.
If you're willing to forgive & move on, do it.
Telling the truth doesn't automatically fix things.. It doesn't mean that everything can go back to the way it was. But it sure does save a hell of a lot of heartache.
3. They lie their way around it
If you're unlucky enough (like I was), you'll be on the receiving end of this dipshit move.
Only the true sleazeballs try to weasel their way out.
Now, a person may or may not successfully lie their way out.
It all depends on 3 things:
1. How strong is the evidence of their wrong doings.
2. How good they are at lying.
3, How much you truly trust them.
When you listen to their arguments, listen carefully. If there's a time to play Sherlock, there's no better time than at that moment.
If you catch them in a lie, then it's game over.
People only lie if they have something to hide.
Trust me on this, I learnt this the hard way.
So depending on how they react, decide if your relationship is worth fighting for.
#3 Life Goes On As If Nothing Happens
He/she doesn't call.
He/she doesn't seek closure.
He/she simply drops you like a hot potato.
Once, you were the air they breathe (or so they say), but now they seem to do just fine without you..
If this is the case, you were not very important to begin with. (Sorry to burst your bubble)
There's no point pining after someone who doesn't care about you.
Nurse your wounds, then move on.
Because if you really were THAT important, they will MAKE it work.
"Reformed rakes makes the best husbands" It's true.
I personally know some men who were rattled to the core at the prospect of losing the women they truly loved. They made mistakes, acknowledged it & changed.
There's still hope for these idiots.
Some just have to lose what they had to appreciate it.
If you are no longer relevant to them, you need to move on. Do it.
You'll be just fine without him/her too.
#4 YOU Stop Mourning
If you're ready to 'get back out there' and no longer have that ache in your heart every time you see your former partner, you're off the hook!
At this stage, you're set on finding someone else. What your ex does, doesn't affect you much anymore.
Congratulations! You've officially moved on & your last relationship is officially DEAD.
Grab that shovel and bury it.
You deserve someone better anyways.
XOXO,
Reina Lum
